Blacks and tans

I thank you people for all your kind comments on my performance this past weekend. I told you I'd sweep the awards, and I did. I'm never wrong. In fact, I almost beat out myself for the top honor. WHO HAS EVER DONE THAT?

During a laughably minor competing awards show, the presenter for Best Supporting Actor had a hideous dress (just who is working with that girl?), wore some gaudy jewelry, and couldn't even READ. Hehehe! She can't READ. OMG!!!!

I've also received some comments on the fact that my child's name will be Hubbard. First off, who the hell is Freddy Hubbard? What are you people thinking? I've not even announced the sex of my baby, but Hubbard would be a fine homage and a fitting name for a girl. I've also considered L'ron, L'rhonda and Kanye. Katie, of course, wants to name the baby "Tom." But I think that would be a bit vain.
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Finally, you've all seen that I've chosen July 4th as a possible . I know you're saying to yourselves, "Isn't that already a holiday?" Well, indeed it is -- and that's exactly why I've chosen that date. I've been told by the government that, for whatever reason, my national holiday can't be announced until after my death. So I've chosen July 4th, in order not to disturb our economy with an additional holiday. It'll be a combo day, like president's day, and the celebrations (fireworks, picnics, film festivals, and the like) won't have to change a bit. This is a pretty big concession on my part, and I'd appreciate it if you'd thank me now, while I'm still living.

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The LAW says that I can't have full control of my baby until 1) The baby is birthed. 2) I am married to the woman carrying the baby. And 3) said woman is involuntarily committed to a state mental facility.

Or killed.

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Paris Hilton, let's not play games here. It was nothing but an honor for you to be included in something so special as to have my name associated with it, and a legal technicality that beings of your particular gender are allowed to participate at all.


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