My progeny

THE GREAT DAY HAS ARRIVED!

Before I kidnap, I mean take my baby away for a little one-on-one time, I wanted to say thanks to all the fans for their cards, especially the ones with checks. Stay away from the house.

I have decided to name my baby Suri, which, despite news reports, does not mean "princess" or "pickpocket." It is simply the name of a beautiful flower spelled backwards.

A few of you have asked about Katie. As far as I know, she's doing OK. I saw her a couple of hours before my baby's birth and I noticed that she looked pretty much the same as she has for the last couple of months.

One more thing. There's a virtually unnoticeable blurb in the paper on Brooke Shield's new "baby." You'll remember how I told this idiot a long time ago that taking antidepressants is WRONG. And here's the proof. They've named the kid Grier Hammond Henchy. If that's not a sign of mental defect I don't know what is. What the hell is a Henchy? Is that what happens when somebody sucks on your neck for too long? HA! HA! Whatever it is, it makes you look like this. Like, GROSS.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/voila.html

Crappio

Thank you, blogger person, for writing about crappio. I could have told you that for energy, you need to increase your thetan level. Would you have listened? I doubt it.

In any case, for peace of mind and well-being, nothing beats sucking down a placenta. I've been doing some research on recipes and though I've found many, it seems placenta is best with steak sauce. If anybody has suggestions for side dishes, I'd certainly like to hear them. Contact my publicist.

Now a note on Diane Sawyer. Many of you -- ok, MOST of you -- saw this interview, but what you didn't see are the outtakes of her trying to STEAL MY BLACKBERRY. I mean here I am, sharing not only my valuable time (why else would I be there if I wasn't generous?) and important personal information about my very attractive Katie's tongue, and then the bitch tries to take my PDA! LOOK. Look, look, look how she grabs it so hard that the screen distorts and she leaves a huge gross thumbprint on it. What the hell? If this keeps happening, I won't give another interview and nobody will ever hear a thing about my baby, which will be born very very soon. That's the official word.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/activia-lethal-frappio-scary.html

something about cranberries

You've all seen the new Ulmer Scale and who's on top again? Who? WHO? You bet your ass it's me. Hoo-RAH! There's nothing I can't do, and disputing my power is a fruitless act (not unlike these cranberry things). An example: See how i can gently lull Katie into a quiet, safe place. Do you see Brad Pitt or Angel-O Jolly on this list? Hell no. They're complete FAKES. This PROVES it. I hear they're trying to have a baby. If they even think about having a baby in the near future I will send them to a QUIET, SAFE PLACE. (But, rumors have it that he's gay, so that's probably not possible anyway.)

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/cranberry-soft-chews.html

Baby baby baby

NO, the baby hasn't arrived yet. Quit asking.

What you've been hearing about me buying Katie a pacifier is NOT true. L. Ron says this about silent births, they "save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go."

So, in the interest of SANITY, I've had a custom-made MOUTHPIECE made for the girl. That way she can't make a sound. I'm not taking any chances. If that girl utters a peep during labor and makes my baby crazy I'm going to absolutely throw and fucking fit and have to start all over again with somebody else, mind you, not with some girl who has to open her mouth and risk making my progeny utterly and totally and completely insane, and this one better keep her mouth shut because there's no way in hell that I'd actually marry her after my important work on the realease of Mission Impossible III is done if she has and insane baby, no freaking way man.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/ben-jerrys-cone.html

Another goddamned ciabatta

I TOLD you people that I have "pull." Now you'll never see that silly South Park episode again. Why? Because I had it AXED.

Make fun of Jews, Christians, Muslims, GAYS, and Veterinarians (meat is good, you bastards) all you want. But if anybody points a stick at Scientology (which is NOT a religion, by the way), I'm going to stick it to THEM.

You think I can't do what I want? To quote a lovable cartoon character, "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!" You WILL respect my authority, or you people will NEVER get to see MI:3 or hear Kanye's lovely theme song.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/7-eleven-ciabatta.html

Scientific solidarity

OK, I'm here to show solidarity with my Scientologerrrrrific friend Isaac Hayes. Slap me some skin, my nigga!

The Man and his chocolate salty balls are finally quitting South Park, after yet another episode that makes fun of Scientology. Enough is enough, my brotha! I so have your back!

You'll also note that the episode stars none other than ME. (I don't want to spoil it, but I get to hide in a closet. Fun!) While we're all sad to see Chef leave the quiet mountain town, get ready for Chef du Cruise-ine, Thomas! That's right, I've signed up for several episodes and will be serving up hash and advice to the lovable muffins of South Park. What a plum gig!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/sbux-coffee-break.html

Big Gulp?

Paris Hilton doesn't douche.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/big-gulp-soda.html

What City are you??

Aralon, fourth planet of the yellow sun Kesnar.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/non-food-but-fun.html

Blacks and tans

I thank you people for all your kind comments on my performance this past weekend. I told you I'd sweep the awards, and I did. I'm never wrong. In fact, I almost beat out myself for the top honor. WHO HAS EVER DONE THAT?

During a laughably minor competing awards show, the presenter for Best Supporting Actor had a hideous dress (just who is working with that girl?), wore some gaudy jewelry, and couldn't even READ. Hehehe! She can't READ. OMG!!!!

I've also received some comments on the fact that my child's name will be Hubbard. First off, who the hell is Freddy Hubbard? What are you people thinking? I've not even announced the sex of my baby, but Hubbard would be a fine homage and a fitting name for a girl. I've also considered L'ron, L'rhonda and Kanye. Katie, of course, wants to name the baby "Tom." But I think that would be a bit vain.
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Finally, you've all seen that I've chosen July 4th as a possible . I know you're saying to yourselves, "Isn't that already a holiday?" Well, indeed it is -- and that's exactly why I've chosen that date. I've been told by the government that, for whatever reason, my national holiday can't be announced until after my death. So I've chosen July 4th, in order not to disturb our economy with an additional holiday. It'll be a combo day, like president's day, and the celebrations (fireworks, picnics, film festivals, and the like) won't have to change a bit. This is a pretty big concession on my part, and I'd appreciate it if you'd thank me now, while I'm still living.

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The LAW says that I can't have full control of my baby until 1) The baby is birthed. 2) I am married to the woman carrying the baby. And 3) said woman is involuntarily committed to a state mental facility.

Or killed.

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Paris Hilton, let's not play games here. It was nothing but an honor for you to be included in something so special as to have my name associated with it, and a legal technicality that beings of your particular gender are allowed to participate at all.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/bj-black-tan-ice-cream.html