Another goddamned ciabatta

I TOLD you people that I have "pull." Now you'll never see that silly South Park episode again. Why? Because I had it AXED.

Make fun of Jews, Christians, Muslims, GAYS, and Veterinarians (meat is good, you bastards) all you want. But if anybody points a stick at Scientology (which is NOT a religion, by the way), I'm going to stick it to THEM.

You think I can't do what I want? To quote a lovable cartoon character, "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!" You WILL respect my authority, or you people will NEVER get to see MI:3 or hear Kanye's lovely theme song.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/7-eleven-ciabatta.html

Scientific solidarity

OK, I'm here to show solidarity with my Scientologerrrrrific friend Isaac Hayes. Slap me some skin, my nigga!

The Man and his chocolate salty balls are finally quitting South Park, after yet another episode that makes fun of Scientology. Enough is enough, my brotha! I so have your back!

You'll also note that the episode stars none other than ME. (I don't want to spoil it, but I get to hide in a closet. Fun!) While we're all sad to see Chef leave the quiet mountain town, get ready for Chef du Cruise-ine, Thomas! That's right, I've signed up for several episodes and will be serving up hash and advice to the lovable muffins of South Park. What a plum gig!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/sbux-coffee-break.html

Big Gulp?

Paris Hilton doesn't douche.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/big-gulp-soda.html

What City are you??

Aralon, fourth planet of the yellow sun Kesnar.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/non-food-but-fun.html

Blacks and tans

I thank you people for all your kind comments on my performance this past weekend. I told you I'd sweep the awards, and I did. I'm never wrong. In fact, I almost beat out myself for the top honor. WHO HAS EVER DONE THAT?

During a laughably minor competing awards show, the presenter for Best Supporting Actor had a hideous dress (just who is working with that girl?), wore some gaudy jewelry, and couldn't even READ. Hehehe! She can't READ. OMG!!!!

I've also received some comments on the fact that my child's name will be Hubbard. First off, who the hell is Freddy Hubbard? What are you people thinking? I've not even announced the sex of my baby, but Hubbard would be a fine homage and a fitting name for a girl. I've also considered L'ron, L'rhonda and Kanye. Katie, of course, wants to name the baby "Tom." But I think that would be a bit vain.
http://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
Finally, you've all seen that I've chosen July 4th as a possible . I know you're saying to yourselves, "Isn't that already a holiday?" Well, indeed it is -- and that's exactly why I've chosen that date. I've been told by the government that, for whatever reason, my national holiday can't be announced until after my death. So I've chosen July 4th, in order not to disturb our economy with an additional holiday. It'll be a combo day, like president's day, and the celebrations (fireworks, picnics, film festivals, and the like) won't have to change a bit. This is a pretty big concession on my part, and I'd appreciate it if you'd thank me now, while I'm still living.

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The LAW says that I can't have full control of my baby until 1) The baby is birthed. 2) I am married to the woman carrying the baby. And 3) said woman is involuntarily committed to a state mental facility.

Or killed.

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Paris Hilton, let's not play games here. It was nothing but an honor for you to be included in something so special as to have my name associated with it, and a legal technicality that beings of your particular gender are allowed to participate at all.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/bj-black-tan-ice-cream.html

Don't copy me.

Why, of course, I'll be suing this website that purports to use me as the source of their inspiration. There is NO WAY I'm going to let these stinky peons call me a narcissist. And I'm probably going to let my lawyers have a whack at that Top Gun parody, too.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/wheat-thins-chips.html

On milkshakes

A few notes before I leave for Australia. As most of you know I'm flying there to attend a funeral for Kerry Packer's funeral. I bestowed upon him the Scientologific light and he's very very rich. So don't get your hopes up that I'll be attending YOUR funeral just because you've converted ... but it's tantalizingly remotely possible.

Katie will be coming with. Don't believe the nonsense you hear about it being dangerous for her to fly this late into her pregnancy. Doctors often don't know a thing about medicine. I believe the combination of cabin pressure on a trans-Atlantic flight and variations in the specific gravity of the Earth running along Australian fault lines will finely attune the path of electrons in Tom Jr's ... I mean my baby's brain.

Also, a note on diversity. I've given Kanye West the privilege of recording the theme for M:I III. He's got a good look. You know, black, but not TOO black. And I hear he can sing. I attended a performance of his the other night, and while I couldn't tell exactly which performer he was, I was quoted in this article to good effect. This quote, however, was taken slightly out of context:

"Damn," said a very impressed Cruise, who was standing on a balcony above the stage surrounded by people such as Stephen Baldwin. "I remember when they used to just do drum solos."

I was speaking of Africans in general.

And lastly, this woman is stalking me. I have no idea who she is, but nothing she does relates to ANYTHING I'm involved in. I urge you to boycott anything she happens to be doing.

- Ta.

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Paris, I urge you to be more tolerant of lazy minorities. Scientology teaches us that all men are capable, even if those capabilities are unrealized. My suggestion would be to find an Asian to plan the party for me. They seem to be farther along in the process.



http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/tab-pepsi-milkshake-blah-blah.html

Why you people piss me off sometimes

What are you, fucking stupid or something? What the HELL are you thinking? I can't believe this! It's SO HORRENDOUSLY WRONG AND STUPID. This is why I decided to grace the world with my progeny. I must do SOMETHING to prop up the gene pool.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/kit-kat-milkshake.html

My burrito.

Speaking of burritos, here's how I've wrapped mine. Nothing's too good for Tom's filling.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/wraps-great-mega.html