The churn.

I'm sorry, but Kate and I are holding a garage sale and we don't have the time to attend your little ceremony. However, we have sent you a gift so you won't feel too bad. It's used, but we already have a hard-bound deluxe copy and figured why put this one in the sale.

Also to you naysayers out there, here is PROOF that I've never been married before. I don't know this woman, and I never have.

On to the sale. We're clearing out some things in preparation for the move to the new house. Or Kate is, anyway. I like my current house quite a bit, but Kate and Suri will love the new place, which is lovely with no neighbors for miles in any direction, no roads leading to the place and complete, peaceful isolation, especially during beautiful long gray winter months. But she'll keep busy.

We're ditching some old home videos that I made in the basement. I think the quality is quite good however. Also, clothing, brick-a-brack and this and that. Come one, come all. It's not cheap, but I don't want the crap anymore.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/06/dreyers-slow-churned-more-flavors.html

Tootsie Rolls.

As I've told you over and over again, a fool and his money are soon parted. So I don't know why you people keep "expressing concern" about my prenup.

Here's the deal: I'm giving Kate a small allowance every year to buy formula, baby clothes, etc. for Surimi. It's not much, really, but more than she was making at her low-wage, part-time job previously. Some of you are saying, "But she's taking a big chunk of change, Tom." Please. Where's she gonna go? She's basically unemployable now. And happy.

As you've no doubt heard, I've also extended congratulations to my good friends Bret and Angelina Jolie on the birth of their child. While I chided them for not being able to have a black child, I do approve of their mission to Africa to try and put things right. In the spirit of forgiveness, I have invited them to join my other children in their Scientologic studies, where Silo can receive training to correct her deficiencies. And I have reduced tuition to a paltry $4.1 million.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/06/tootsie-roll-mini-chews.html

M:I:III update

Some updates before I head off to Japan, where M:I:III will slay the nips, and where I'm rightfully considered a giant among men. Sorry you can't afford to be there, but be sure to catch the newsreels, because I'll be showing what makes me cinema's #1 action star.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling particularly American this week. The old testosterone is at an all-time high with my genes being replicated recently, an action-packed thriller and now we have this NASCAR deal going on. Yeah, man, fast cars. I know my way around cars. Screw the towel-heads and the oil shortage. HA! Seriously folks, we believe there's enlightenment to be found in grinding gears and burning rubber. An we have some exciting L. Ron gear shift heads and LED accessories that'll be available for you to purchase real soon, ya hear?

Meanwhile, I'm getting the woman in shape. I don't know what happened, but I go away for a little while and she gets all dumpy and "depressed." That's ok, I have a program and she'll be fine for the wedding. If she wants to get married and have a house on a hill that is.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/06/laloos-goats-milk-ice-cream.html

Mud?

Yes, it's true. I saved a small town yesterday from certain economic disaster. Some say that Aberdeen, WA isn't worth saving. That there's nothing worthwhile there. But I don't think so. I CARE.

I wish everybody would follow my example. All it takes is a red carpet, an armada of black SUV's, a good pair of shoes, and some sunglasses. It's easy and doesn't take Super Powers (though, for a small payment of a few thousand dollars, I can arrange for you to have some). Now this piss-poor town that had nothing good to brag about, except for somebody named Kurt Cobain, will FLOURISH and be a jewel on the coast, an example of what every town should be. People will have food and jobs and nicely repaired mobile homes all because of me.

I'm sorry for all the children who were crushed in the throng. But you should have left them at home like I did. Again, take your example from me.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/05/starbucks-mud-pie-bar.html

My progeny

THE GREAT DAY HAS ARRIVED!

Before I kidnap, I mean take my baby away for a little one-on-one time, I wanted to say thanks to all the fans for their cards, especially the ones with checks. Stay away from the house.

I have decided to name my baby Suri, which, despite news reports, does not mean "princess" or "pickpocket." It is simply the name of a beautiful flower spelled backwards.

A few of you have asked about Katie. As far as I know, she's doing OK. I saw her a couple of hours before my baby's birth and I noticed that she looked pretty much the same as she has for the last couple of months.

One more thing. There's a virtually unnoticeable blurb in the paper on Brooke Shield's new "baby." You'll remember how I told this idiot a long time ago that taking antidepressants is WRONG. And here's the proof. They've named the kid Grier Hammond Henchy. If that's not a sign of mental defect I don't know what is. What the hell is a Henchy? Is that what happens when somebody sucks on your neck for too long? HA! HA! Whatever it is, it makes you look like this. Like, GROSS.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/voila.html

Crappio

Thank you, blogger person, for writing about crappio. I could have told you that for energy, you need to increase your thetan level. Would you have listened? I doubt it.

In any case, for peace of mind and well-being, nothing beats sucking down a placenta. I've been doing some research on recipes and though I've found many, it seems placenta is best with steak sauce. If anybody has suggestions for side dishes, I'd certainly like to hear them. Contact my publicist.

Now a note on Diane Sawyer. Many of you -- ok, MOST of you -- saw this interview, but what you didn't see are the outtakes of her trying to STEAL MY BLACKBERRY. I mean here I am, sharing not only my valuable time (why else would I be there if I wasn't generous?) and important personal information about my very attractive Katie's tongue, and then the bitch tries to take my PDA! LOOK. Look, look, look how she grabs it so hard that the screen distorts and she leaves a huge gross thumbprint on it. What the hell? If this keeps happening, I won't give another interview and nobody will ever hear a thing about my baby, which will be born very very soon. That's the official word.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/activia-lethal-frappio-scary.html

something about cranberries

You've all seen the new Ulmer Scale and who's on top again? Who? WHO? You bet your ass it's me. Hoo-RAH! There's nothing I can't do, and disputing my power is a fruitless act (not unlike these cranberry things). An example: See how i can gently lull Katie into a quiet, safe place. Do you see Brad Pitt or Angel-O Jolly on this list? Hell no. They're complete FAKES. This PROVES it. I hear they're trying to have a baby. If they even think about having a baby in the near future I will send them to a QUIET, SAFE PLACE. (But, rumors have it that he's gay, so that's probably not possible anyway.)

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/cranberry-soft-chews.html

Baby baby baby

NO, the baby hasn't arrived yet. Quit asking.

What you've been hearing about me buying Katie a pacifier is NOT true. L. Ron says this about silent births, they "save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go."

So, in the interest of SANITY, I've had a custom-made MOUTHPIECE made for the girl. That way she can't make a sound. I'm not taking any chances. If that girl utters a peep during labor and makes my baby crazy I'm going to absolutely throw and fucking fit and have to start all over again with somebody else, mind you, not with some girl who has to open her mouth and risk making my progeny utterly and totally and completely insane, and this one better keep her mouth shut because there's no way in hell that I'd actually marry her after my important work on the realease of Mission Impossible III is done if she has and insane baby, no freaking way man.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/ben-jerrys-cone.html

Another goddamned ciabatta

I TOLD you people that I have "pull." Now you'll never see that silly South Park episode again. Why? Because I had it AXED.

Make fun of Jews, Christians, Muslims, GAYS, and Veterinarians (meat is good, you bastards) all you want. But if anybody points a stick at Scientology (which is NOT a religion, by the way), I'm going to stick it to THEM.

You think I can't do what I want? To quote a lovable cartoon character, "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!" You WILL respect my authority, or you people will NEVER get to see MI:3 or hear Kanye's lovely theme song.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/7-eleven-ciabatta.html