Money!

According to my notes, you've seen that I've been once-again named the top money making STAR for the year. Though I accept all your adulation, the announcement should come as no surprise; this is the seventh time I've done this. It comes naturally to me. I mean, I can do it with one lousy movie a year, and last year it was the great great epic War of the Worlds, certainly one of the best of all time. HOWEVER, this does not mean you can stop sending checks.

A more important issue, obviously, is my nomination for a Razzie. I've received NO congratulatory notes for this prestigious nom. You people have sorely disappointed me, and if you're not careful I'll withhold my acting brilliance and leave you begging for entertainment this year. Don't think I won't do it. I can leave you lifeless. DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. ME. I will easily beat out the likes of Will Ferrell, Jamie Kennedy, "The Rock" and Rob Schneider. I mean this is a joke. Why were these losers even nominated? What a fucking joke. I'll easily beat them all and then prove my greatness by not even bothering to appear at the awards show -- or even call in via satellite -- to get the statue and the big fat check.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/dannon-activia-yogurt.html

Nuts.

I'm sure you've noted that I've been placed in the High Command Scientology Unit by the Grays. (You are, however, lacking on the congratulatory notes.) This seems to have caused some concern about how this will affect the Roman Catholicism of MY baby's pod, Katie. Rest assured that we in the Upper Echelon find Catholicism to be an acceptable form of mind control. Something needs to suppress you people's base animal instincts, and Catholicism has more than proved its iron thumb. Very few escape the clutches of the priests, or the weekly dose of lithium-laced wafers. Thank you for your concerns, however, and please go to church.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/bluebell-nutty-coconut.html

gum.

OK. STOP it with all the hoo-hah about my visit with the "in-laws." If I'm going to waste my valuable time being nice to these people and they don't like it, it's their loss. I mean, hell, I'm about the same age as Katie's father, so you think he'd understand why she's the perfect vessel for my offspring. He's a "doctor," for Ron's sake. But no, he has to be a prick about it. So, for the good of my child, I'm forbidding Katie from ever seeing these nutbags again. It's for the best and totally scientologific.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/trident-watermelon-twist.html

New year's predictions (I was right!)

You all have been clamoring for my list of New Year's predictions, and I am more than happy to oblige. These predictions are, of course, based on the foremost scientific knowlege of our time. I'd go into details, but why bother with something you just wouldn't understand?

1. Many of you will see "Mission Impossible III" this summer and make it the film with the best opening of all time. A record that will stand for the ages.

2. A popular uprising in the UK in early 2006 will move Paris Hilton to the top of the just-released "most annoying" celebrities list.

3. A new video workout tape called "Jumping the Couch" based on the gym routine of a well-known celeb will sweep the nation and rid it of obese children and old people with weak hearts.

4. Many of the rescue workers from the 9-11 attacks will find themselves surprisingly clean and free of toxins while having regular bowel movements. Some of them, however, will unavoidably die.

5. I may or may not get married. It depends.

BONUS:
I will have a baby. It will be mine. I'm certainly not going to be carrying it around though. Katie has agreed to be the depository for my baby. The sex of my baby is known to ME. I have predicted the sex and I know what it is. That's all you need to know for now, because I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I am having a baby. But here is a clue. Thank you, by the way, for all the blue holiday gifts.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/12/pokey-os.html

Merry Holiday

Hello, and "happy holidays" to all of you people. I'm sorry I'm so late to address the following, but sometimes I tend to give more credit than what is due. It's the curse of being a nice guy. It's how I personally was raised. Now, on to my concern. I've received several "holiday" and "christmas" cards from some of you well-meaning (I surmise) people. But, if I've said it once I've said it a million times: THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC BASIS FOR THE HOLIDAYS OR THIS SO-CALLED CHRISTMAS. I know you don't know L. Ron like I do, but surely you could have figured this out on your own. These holidays are just a psycho-drama perpetuated by retailers, telephone companies and the media, except for feature-length film companies. So forgive the hell out of me, if I don't answer these greetings. If you MUST send something, please make it a check to the Katie Holmes Vomitorium, which furthers the cause of resolving stomach upset stemming from I don't know what. Have a nice end of December.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/12/zea-woodfire-grill.html

Blue.

As you all know by now, Katie and I have registered at Neiman's. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS BLUE. Katie doesn't have a favorite color. So make sure everything you buy is BLUE. It is very important that you follow these instructions, because I don't want to have to waste my time buying blue things. It IS my wedding afterall, and you need to get me what I want. Don't get crazy and start thinking you know better than me. And for god's sake don't buy anything pink. I'm sure you wish us all the best. Have fun shopping!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/12/hersheys-pb-kiss.html

Juice smoothies

So I know you are all tired from standing in line until midnight so you could get a DVD copy of my "War of the Worlds," which was released today. Thank you for being here, as expected. To those of you who were injured in the frenzy and didn't get a copy, call my pub and she'll send you out a coupon or something. Some things I'd like you to note about the DVD, however: I told Steven Spielberg NOT to include spanish and french subtitles, so don't blame me for that. I fought vigorously against them. Also, I asked that the two-disc collectors edition include some nudie shots of me, but that was also deemed a no go. So beware if you shell out the $40 for that piece of crap, it's not worth it. And lastly, my co-star Dakota Fanning was really, REALLY hot for me. But she just doesn't have that youthful glow that my Katie does. Sorry, babe. But points to you for trying.

------

Hi No Fan, contact my publicist and she'll tell you whom it is you're supposed to contact. Please try not to bother me with too many questions. I know it's hard.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/jamba-juice-holiday-smoothies.html

Oprah - silly ho

I suppose by now you've seen how that whore Oprah is denying the true love between me and Emilio ... I mean Katie. Oprah is just mad that I wouldn't give it to her because she is SO FAT! She's a BLIMP! She couldn't jump and down on a couch, because it'd BREAK to smithereens! She should just give it up and stay home, just like my sweet child katie is. She should stay home and push out a baby and cook! I bet she can't cook! I bet she just sits around and eats LARD! HA!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/black-cherry-vanilla-coke.html

On family.

I'm sure you are all aghast that I've replaced my sister as my PR agent. But before anybody gets ill or tries to off themeless, I'd like to offer some comfort. I've determined that Lee Anne has stretched her mental capacity to the limit and is on the verge of some serious craziness. To save her, I've made the momentous decision to limit her work to my very generous charity contributions. Together, we will single-handedly save New Orleans, which I hear will soon be struck by a devastating hurricane. We will do this until I become bored beyond belief. Thank you for understanding. If any of you need further relief, I suggest you contact your local L. Ron Cruise foundation.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/starbucks-cream-liqueur.html

Pumpkin.

Sometimes Katie and I play, "What's hiding in the pumpkin patch," a little game we invented wherein I hide a small candy corn somewhere on my body and she has to find it with her tongue. I have a penchant for sticking it in the oddest places.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/10/pumpkin-limited-editions.html