Money!

According to my notes, you've seen that I've been once-again named the top money making STAR for the year. Though I accept all your adulation, the announcement should come as no surprise; this is the seventh time I've done this. It comes naturally to me. I mean, I can do it with one lousy movie a year, and last year it was the great great epic War of the Worlds, certainly one of the best of all time. HOWEVER, this does not mean you can stop sending checks.

A more important issue, obviously, is my nomination for a Razzie. I've received NO congratulatory notes for this prestigious nom. You people have sorely disappointed me, and if you're not careful I'll withhold my acting brilliance and leave you begging for entertainment this year. Don't think I won't do it. I can leave you lifeless. DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. ME. I will easily beat out the likes of Will Ferrell, Jamie Kennedy, "The Rock" and Rob Schneider. I mean this is a joke. Why were these losers even nominated? What a fucking joke. I'll easily beat them all and then prove my greatness by not even bothering to appear at the awards show -- or even call in via satellite -- to get the statue and the big fat check.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/dannon-activia-yogurt.html

Nuts.

I'm sure you've noted that I've been placed in the High Command Scientology Unit by the Grays. (You are, however, lacking on the congratulatory notes.) This seems to have caused some concern about how this will affect the Roman Catholicism of MY baby's pod, Katie. Rest assured that we in the Upper Echelon find Catholicism to be an acceptable form of mind control. Something needs to suppress you people's base animal instincts, and Catholicism has more than proved its iron thumb. Very few escape the clutches of the priests, or the weekly dose of lithium-laced wafers. Thank you for your concerns, however, and please go to church.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/bluebell-nutty-coconut.html

gum.

OK. STOP it with all the hoo-hah about my visit with the "in-laws." If I'm going to waste my valuable time being nice to these people and they don't like it, it's their loss. I mean, hell, I'm about the same age as Katie's father, so you think he'd understand why she's the perfect vessel for my offspring. He's a "doctor," for Ron's sake. But no, he has to be a prick about it. So, for the good of my child, I'm forbidding Katie from ever seeing these nutbags again. It's for the best and totally scientologific.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/trident-watermelon-twist.html