Good tidings from me; lucky you

Merry Christmas from Tom Cruise. May you and yours be happy and bright and full of tinsel. Drink, be merry and EAT LIKE A MAN!

Ho-HO!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/12/juice-it-up.html

Honeymoon bliss.

Hello from an island. I'd like to thank all of you who made the weekend's ceremony so special, especially the townsfolk of Lake Bracco ... Luca Brasi. The citizens were quite nice and respected our privacy, with the unfortunate exception of some guy named Don who kept wanting me to kiss his ring. We appreciate your not turning our small ceremony into a public spectacle. In the language of your fair country, Merci.

To my guests, my deepest appreciation for your attendance and behavior. I do have some issues with Mr. Armani drunkenly yelling "stop, stop" during the wedding. I'm sure you thought it was funny, but we didn't take it as a joke. Perhaps you should lay of the grappa. And, Victoria Beckingham, you can't keep the towels, they belong to the castle.

Also, I need to let it be known that any trash beyond the outside barricades does not belong to us, and we expect to get our full deposit back.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/11/kit-kat-mint-dark-choc-ltd-edition.html

My wedding day.

HEY, Jet parking is FULL at Fiumicino. Please re-route smaller planes to Ciampino. Those with larger craft will have to land at Pescara or maybe even Palermo, but we will have choppers standing by to ferry you to the lake. Yachts may still berth in the usual places and we will have limos available. Please remember to observe the no-fly zone over France. And thanks to you who jet-pooled to save on fuel.

---------

Do NOT park in the driveway, people. Jesus christ.

---------

Some of you stupidly didn't bring satellite phones and we're having a hard time contacting you with the schedule (attn: WILL SMITH). Dinner is in an hour, so get ready. Afterward there's drinks, some entertainment and then the limbo contest. LIMBO! Woo-HAH! Get ready to GET DOWN.

I've also been told there's a little girl wandering around on the front lawn and crying. Her name appears to be kate ... katie ... something.



http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/11/starbucks-grandmas-turkey-sandwich.html

I hate geneva.

OK, look, WHINERS, an Italian castle holds only so many people, and I have to make room for entertainers, the chocolate fountain and kate's family. So I can't invite everybody. I've managed to get some of you a view from the castle next door, but that's it. Enough is enough.

------

Again, there's not room. Besides, you'd have to have an instantly recognizable name.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/11/pepp-farm-peppy-crunch-geneva.html

Pre-wedding musings

Quick thoughts while I'm making final preps for the wedding this Saturday. The vows are mostly done with a few small changes to keep Kate on her toes and an outline of her expected duties. The next three days will be dedicated to planning my entrance. I'm not quite sure whether I should dangle in gracefully from a helicopter or make the more dramatic statement of flying in on a zip line.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/11/lucerne-limited-edition-yogurts.html

Whiners.

Too many of you have been complaining about the slow news week. Has it been slow? NO WAY. Just to recap for the whiners:

* I turned down an offer to become Secretary of War to run United Artists. I believe in showing the American Way of Life through film and not with a silly war in Iran.

* I'm working on a list of castles in which to hold my wedding. I'd like a warm, comfy castle, and am finding many Italian castles to be a bit drafty.

* I finally found a good steak. You know how hard it is to find one at a reasonable price.

There was a little bit of stink about getting enough TV airtime this week, I know. Without my say-so, most networks were running a series of infomercials for a product called "elections." But I've worked that out with the Hollywood Liberals, and have been assured that more important news will now be a priority.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/11/flavored-mms.html

Wedding update

Yes, I know I've been out of touch for awhile, and I'm sure you've missed me during the many, many postings on this website. But, to your good fortune, I'm back - and with good news.

Kate has finally dropped enough pounds to look good at my wedding, so I've set a date. I still expect her to ditch another 10 before November 18, however. But things look good and I've gone ahead and approved a series of outfits for her to wear at the event.

I'm opting for a small event that will take over only a small town in the north of Italy. Therefore, I can only invite my closest friends and a few relatives, and none of you fit into this category. Sorry.

However, we will gracefully accept your best wishes and wedding gifts. I'm registered in several countries, or you may make a donation to the Tom Cruise Charity and Venture Capital Slush Fund via certified check.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/10/luna-sunrise-nutrition-bar.html

Spiking a pumpkin

I like to spike pumpkins as often as possible, if you know what I mean. I love fall. There's watermelons in the summer, but they're kind of messy -- nothing like a good firm pumpkin.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/10/jacks-pumpkin-spice-ale.html

Shut up.

Shhhh. Hey, SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!

I'll make this brief, because some people have said it's hard to read my long postings. And, I admit, they ARE pretty complex. But you people are the ones begging for information.

Anyway, SHUT THE HELL UP!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/nestle-stixx.html

Doing you a favor.

I am in a good mood today, so for the next five minutes I will take your questions.

-----

I'm sorry, but the question and answer period is over. Please be more prompt next time. If there is a next time.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/09/fusion-cafe.html

Katies

So, she's out now. Isn't she cute? And, yeah, I banged the hell out of Katie Couric back when she was almost-presentable. I've always felt pity for her. I don't know why.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/09/mint-choc-chip-pop-tart.html

It's about the film

As you know, I've had a long association with ultra-creative, ultra-radical independent films. (I think Risky Business was a fine example of teen angst.)

Now, I've decided to take the lead in the indie biz, and take it to where it needs to be: multibillion corporate box-office smashes.

Unlike those of you who need to have garage sales, I'm flush with venture capital and primed to make a grainy B&W film with MTV-style quick cuts and a nonsensical plot.

See you at Sundance.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/08/nyce-buffet.html

Redstone? Fool.

Let me be the first to tell you, before it hits every newspaper, TV and radio station in the country, that I have decided to end my relationship with Paramount and the quite embarrassing Sumner Redstone. I can excuse the man's disturbing likeness to Norman Fell and the fact that he barely cracks the Forbe's top 100 list of richest Americans, but I can't accept the fact that the man has no business sense. I mean, when you look at it, what has this guy ever done? Meanwhile, I've made myself into one of the most important Americans of all time. When history is finally written (correctly), you'll see my name, TOM CRUISE, at the top of the list.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/08/olive-oils-pizzeria-richardson.html

On oats.

You are wondering what I was doing in Salt Lake City over the weekend, other than saving unfortunate civilians.

Well, I bring you great news. It turns out that SLC is full of Marmots. And these beings have a lot in common with Scientologists.

1. We both believe in a book made up by someone other than a jew.

2. We both believe in the restorative powers of LSD (though marmots refer to it as LDS).

3. We both have multiple wives.

4. We both typically hibernate in the winter.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/08/quaker-steel-cut-oats.html

Discipline.

I have been practicing the no-blame, cause-cause teachings of L. Ron Hubbard for many years. And I can say I've had great success with the technique in my marriages.

For instance, when Kate does something mildly silly -- like saying, "No I don't want to have a baby," or "I don't think six months in a sensory deprivation chamber will be good for me" -- I go along with it.

EVERYTHING WORKS OUT IN THE END.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/08/ben-jerrys-milkshakes.html

Tuna.

Now, you know I don't have much interest in religion and tend to keep my opinions to myself, but I can't keep quiet about this yutz, Mel Gibson. He's exactly why I can't stand the goddamned christians. Always going off on the jews. It's because of jesus-loving freaks like him that we have conflict in this world. I'd love to stick my hand right up in his salad bowl and toss him on his head.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/07/yellowfin-tuna-florentine.html

Chumps!

You people are such chumps. Goddamned chumps. You think I can't read the internet? I fucking OWN the internet. You think you can slide in on my piece of it? Oh no you di-int! No cyber-pirate is going to take my identity. Yo-ho-NO!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/07/dreyers-new-limited-flavors-zzz.html

Wannabes.

This is just laughable. An Emmy? What's an Emmy? I'll tell you what it's not --IT'S NOT AN OSCAR. It's not a BOX OFFICE SMASH. You little people and your little victories just make me LAUGH.

-------

Kiss my grits, "chef".


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/07/frutzzo-pomegranate-acai-juice.html

The churn.

I'm sorry, but Kate and I are holding a garage sale and we don't have the time to attend your little ceremony. However, we have sent you a gift so you won't feel too bad. It's used, but we already have a hard-bound deluxe copy and figured why put this one in the sale.

Also to you naysayers out there, here is PROOF that I've never been married before. I don't know this woman, and I never have.

On to the sale. We're clearing out some things in preparation for the move to the new house. Or Kate is, anyway. I like my current house quite a bit, but Kate and Suri will love the new place, which is lovely with no neighbors for miles in any direction, no roads leading to the place and complete, peaceful isolation, especially during beautiful long gray winter months. But she'll keep busy.

We're ditching some old home videos that I made in the basement. I think the quality is quite good however. Also, clothing, brick-a-brack and this and that. Come one, come all. It's not cheap, but I don't want the crap anymore.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/06/dreyers-slow-churned-more-flavors.html

Tootsie Rolls.

As I've told you over and over again, a fool and his money are soon parted. So I don't know why you people keep "expressing concern" about my prenup.

Here's the deal: I'm giving Kate a small allowance every year to buy formula, baby clothes, etc. for Surimi. It's not much, really, but more than she was making at her low-wage, part-time job previously. Some of you are saying, "But she's taking a big chunk of change, Tom." Please. Where's she gonna go? She's basically unemployable now. And happy.

As you've no doubt heard, I've also extended congratulations to my good friends Bret and Angelina Jolie on the birth of their child. While I chided them for not being able to have a black child, I do approve of their mission to Africa to try and put things right. In the spirit of forgiveness, I have invited them to join my other children in their Scientologic studies, where Silo can receive training to correct her deficiencies. And I have reduced tuition to a paltry $4.1 million.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/06/tootsie-roll-mini-chews.html

M:I:III update

Some updates before I head off to Japan, where M:I:III will slay the nips, and where I'm rightfully considered a giant among men. Sorry you can't afford to be there, but be sure to catch the newsreels, because I'll be showing what makes me cinema's #1 action star.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling particularly American this week. The old testosterone is at an all-time high with my genes being replicated recently, an action-packed thriller and now we have this NASCAR deal going on. Yeah, man, fast cars. I know my way around cars. Screw the towel-heads and the oil shortage. HA! Seriously folks, we believe there's enlightenment to be found in grinding gears and burning rubber. An we have some exciting L. Ron gear shift heads and LED accessories that'll be available for you to purchase real soon, ya hear?

Meanwhile, I'm getting the woman in shape. I don't know what happened, but I go away for a little while and she gets all dumpy and "depressed." That's ok, I have a program and she'll be fine for the wedding. If she wants to get married and have a house on a hill that is.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/06/laloos-goats-milk-ice-cream.html

Mud?

Yes, it's true. I saved a small town yesterday from certain economic disaster. Some say that Aberdeen, WA isn't worth saving. That there's nothing worthwhile there. But I don't think so. I CARE.

I wish everybody would follow my example. All it takes is a red carpet, an armada of black SUV's, a good pair of shoes, and some sunglasses. It's easy and doesn't take Super Powers (though, for a small payment of a few thousand dollars, I can arrange for you to have some). Now this piss-poor town that had nothing good to brag about, except for somebody named Kurt Cobain, will FLOURISH and be a jewel on the coast, an example of what every town should be. People will have food and jobs and nicely repaired mobile homes all because of me.

I'm sorry for all the children who were crushed in the throng. But you should have left them at home like I did. Again, take your example from me.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/05/starbucks-mud-pie-bar.html

My progeny

THE GREAT DAY HAS ARRIVED!

Before I kidnap, I mean take my baby away for a little one-on-one time, I wanted to say thanks to all the fans for their cards, especially the ones with checks. Stay away from the house.

I have decided to name my baby Suri, which, despite news reports, does not mean "princess" or "pickpocket." It is simply the name of a beautiful flower spelled backwards.

A few of you have asked about Katie. As far as I know, she's doing OK. I saw her a couple of hours before my baby's birth and I noticed that she looked pretty much the same as she has for the last couple of months.

One more thing. There's a virtually unnoticeable blurb in the paper on Brooke Shield's new "baby." You'll remember how I told this idiot a long time ago that taking antidepressants is WRONG. And here's the proof. They've named the kid Grier Hammond Henchy. If that's not a sign of mental defect I don't know what is. What the hell is a Henchy? Is that what happens when somebody sucks on your neck for too long? HA! HA! Whatever it is, it makes you look like this. Like, GROSS.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/voila.html

Crappio

Thank you, blogger person, for writing about crappio. I could have told you that for energy, you need to increase your thetan level. Would you have listened? I doubt it.

In any case, for peace of mind and well-being, nothing beats sucking down a placenta. I've been doing some research on recipes and though I've found many, it seems placenta is best with steak sauce. If anybody has suggestions for side dishes, I'd certainly like to hear them. Contact my publicist.

Now a note on Diane Sawyer. Many of you -- ok, MOST of you -- saw this interview, but what you didn't see are the outtakes of her trying to STEAL MY BLACKBERRY. I mean here I am, sharing not only my valuable time (why else would I be there if I wasn't generous?) and important personal information about my very attractive Katie's tongue, and then the bitch tries to take my PDA! LOOK. Look, look, look how she grabs it so hard that the screen distorts and she leaves a huge gross thumbprint on it. What the hell? If this keeps happening, I won't give another interview and nobody will ever hear a thing about my baby, which will be born very very soon. That's the official word.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/activia-lethal-frappio-scary.html

something about cranberries

You've all seen the new Ulmer Scale and who's on top again? Who? WHO? You bet your ass it's me. Hoo-RAH! There's nothing I can't do, and disputing my power is a fruitless act (not unlike these cranberry things). An example: See how i can gently lull Katie into a quiet, safe place. Do you see Brad Pitt or Angel-O Jolly on this list? Hell no. They're complete FAKES. This PROVES it. I hear they're trying to have a baby. If they even think about having a baby in the near future I will send them to a QUIET, SAFE PLACE. (But, rumors have it that he's gay, so that's probably not possible anyway.)

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/cranberry-soft-chews.html

Baby baby baby

NO, the baby hasn't arrived yet. Quit asking.

What you've been hearing about me buying Katie a pacifier is NOT true. L. Ron says this about silent births, they "save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go."

So, in the interest of SANITY, I've had a custom-made MOUTHPIECE made for the girl. That way she can't make a sound. I'm not taking any chances. If that girl utters a peep during labor and makes my baby crazy I'm going to absolutely throw and fucking fit and have to start all over again with somebody else, mind you, not with some girl who has to open her mouth and risk making my progeny utterly and totally and completely insane, and this one better keep her mouth shut because there's no way in hell that I'd actually marry her after my important work on the realease of Mission Impossible III is done if she has and insane baby, no freaking way man.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/ben-jerrys-cone.html

Another goddamned ciabatta

I TOLD you people that I have "pull." Now you'll never see that silly South Park episode again. Why? Because I had it AXED.

Make fun of Jews, Christians, Muslims, GAYS, and Veterinarians (meat is good, you bastards) all you want. But if anybody points a stick at Scientology (which is NOT a religion, by the way), I'm going to stick it to THEM.

You think I can't do what I want? To quote a lovable cartoon character, "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!" You WILL respect my authority, or you people will NEVER get to see MI:3 or hear Kanye's lovely theme song.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/7-eleven-ciabatta.html

Scientific solidarity

OK, I'm here to show solidarity with my Scientologerrrrrific friend Isaac Hayes. Slap me some skin, my nigga!

The Man and his chocolate salty balls are finally quitting South Park, after yet another episode that makes fun of Scientology. Enough is enough, my brotha! I so have your back!

You'll also note that the episode stars none other than ME. (I don't want to spoil it, but I get to hide in a closet. Fun!) While we're all sad to see Chef leave the quiet mountain town, get ready for Chef du Cruise-ine, Thomas! That's right, I've signed up for several episodes and will be serving up hash and advice to the lovable muffins of South Park. What a plum gig!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/sbux-coffee-break.html

Big Gulp?

Paris Hilton doesn't douche.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/big-gulp-soda.html

What City are you??

Aralon, fourth planet of the yellow sun Kesnar.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/non-food-but-fun.html

Blacks and tans

I thank you people for all your kind comments on my performance this past weekend. I told you I'd sweep the awards, and I did. I'm never wrong. In fact, I almost beat out myself for the top honor. WHO HAS EVER DONE THAT?

During a laughably minor competing awards show, the presenter for Best Supporting Actor had a hideous dress (just who is working with that girl?), wore some gaudy jewelry, and couldn't even READ. Hehehe! She can't READ. OMG!!!!

I've also received some comments on the fact that my child's name will be Hubbard. First off, who the hell is Freddy Hubbard? What are you people thinking? I've not even announced the sex of my baby, but Hubbard would be a fine homage and a fitting name for a girl. I've also considered L'ron, L'rhonda and Kanye. Katie, of course, wants to name the baby "Tom." But I think that would be a bit vain.
http://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
Finally, you've all seen that I've chosen July 4th as a possible . I know you're saying to yourselves, "Isn't that already a holiday?" Well, indeed it is -- and that's exactly why I've chosen that date. I've been told by the government that, for whatever reason, my national holiday can't be announced until after my death. So I've chosen July 4th, in order not to disturb our economy with an additional holiday. It'll be a combo day, like president's day, and the celebrations (fireworks, picnics, film festivals, and the like) won't have to change a bit. This is a pretty big concession on my part, and I'd appreciate it if you'd thank me now, while I'm still living.

--------

The LAW says that I can't have full control of my baby until 1) The baby is birthed. 2) I am married to the woman carrying the baby. And 3) said woman is involuntarily committed to a state mental facility.

Or killed.

----------

Paris Hilton, let's not play games here. It was nothing but an honor for you to be included in something so special as to have my name associated with it, and a legal technicality that beings of your particular gender are allowed to participate at all.


http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/03/bj-black-tan-ice-cream.html

Don't copy me.

Why, of course, I'll be suing this website that purports to use me as the source of their inspiration. There is NO WAY I'm going to let these stinky peons call me a narcissist. And I'm probably going to let my lawyers have a whack at that Top Gun parody, too.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/wheat-thins-chips.html

On milkshakes

A few notes before I leave for Australia. As most of you know I'm flying there to attend a funeral for Kerry Packer's funeral. I bestowed upon him the Scientologific light and he's very very rich. So don't get your hopes up that I'll be attending YOUR funeral just because you've converted ... but it's tantalizingly remotely possible.

Katie will be coming with. Don't believe the nonsense you hear about it being dangerous for her to fly this late into her pregnancy. Doctors often don't know a thing about medicine. I believe the combination of cabin pressure on a trans-Atlantic flight and variations in the specific gravity of the Earth running along Australian fault lines will finely attune the path of electrons in Tom Jr's ... I mean my baby's brain.

Also, a note on diversity. I've given Kanye West the privilege of recording the theme for M:I III. He's got a good look. You know, black, but not TOO black. And I hear he can sing. I attended a performance of his the other night, and while I couldn't tell exactly which performer he was, I was quoted in this article to good effect. This quote, however, was taken slightly out of context:

"Damn," said a very impressed Cruise, who was standing on a balcony above the stage surrounded by people such as Stephen Baldwin. "I remember when they used to just do drum solos."

I was speaking of Africans in general.

And lastly, this woman is stalking me. I have no idea who she is, but nothing she does relates to ANYTHING I'm involved in. I urge you to boycott anything she happens to be doing.

- Ta.

--------------

Paris, I urge you to be more tolerant of lazy minorities. Scientology teaches us that all men are capable, even if those capabilities are unrealized. My suggestion would be to find an Asian to plan the party for me. They seem to be farther along in the process.



http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/tab-pepsi-milkshake-blah-blah.html

Why you people piss me off sometimes

What are you, fucking stupid or something? What the HELL are you thinking? I can't believe this! It's SO HORRENDOUSLY WRONG AND STUPID. This is why I decided to grace the world with my progeny. I must do SOMETHING to prop up the gene pool.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/kit-kat-milkshake.html

My burrito.

Speaking of burritos, here's how I've wrapped mine. Nothing's too good for Tom's filling.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/02/wraps-great-mega.html

Money!

According to my notes, you've seen that I've been once-again named the top money making STAR for the year. Though I accept all your adulation, the announcement should come as no surprise; this is the seventh time I've done this. It comes naturally to me. I mean, I can do it with one lousy movie a year, and last year it was the great great epic War of the Worlds, certainly one of the best of all time. HOWEVER, this does not mean you can stop sending checks.

A more important issue, obviously, is my nomination for a Razzie. I've received NO congratulatory notes for this prestigious nom. You people have sorely disappointed me, and if you're not careful I'll withhold my acting brilliance and leave you begging for entertainment this year. Don't think I won't do it. I can leave you lifeless. DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. ME. I will easily beat out the likes of Will Ferrell, Jamie Kennedy, "The Rock" and Rob Schneider. I mean this is a joke. Why were these losers even nominated? What a fucking joke. I'll easily beat them all and then prove my greatness by not even bothering to appear at the awards show -- or even call in via satellite -- to get the statue and the big fat check.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/dannon-activia-yogurt.html

Nuts.

I'm sure you've noted that I've been placed in the High Command Scientology Unit by the Grays. (You are, however, lacking on the congratulatory notes.) This seems to have caused some concern about how this will affect the Roman Catholicism of MY baby's pod, Katie. Rest assured that we in the Upper Echelon find Catholicism to be an acceptable form of mind control. Something needs to suppress you people's base animal instincts, and Catholicism has more than proved its iron thumb. Very few escape the clutches of the priests, or the weekly dose of lithium-laced wafers. Thank you for your concerns, however, and please go to church.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/bluebell-nutty-coconut.html

gum.

OK. STOP it with all the hoo-hah about my visit with the "in-laws." If I'm going to waste my valuable time being nice to these people and they don't like it, it's their loss. I mean, hell, I'm about the same age as Katie's father, so you think he'd understand why she's the perfect vessel for my offspring. He's a "doctor," for Ron's sake. But no, he has to be a prick about it. So, for the good of my child, I'm forbidding Katie from ever seeing these nutbags again. It's for the best and totally scientologific.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/01/trident-watermelon-twist.html