My progeny

THE GREAT DAY HAS ARRIVED!

Before I kidnap, I mean take my baby away for a little one-on-one time, I wanted to say thanks to all the fans for their cards, especially the ones with checks. Stay away from the house.

I have decided to name my baby Suri, which, despite news reports, does not mean "princess" or "pickpocket." It is simply the name of a beautiful flower spelled backwards.

A few of you have asked about Katie. As far as I know, she's doing OK. I saw her a couple of hours before my baby's birth and I noticed that she looked pretty much the same as she has for the last couple of months.

One more thing. There's a virtually unnoticeable blurb in the paper on Brooke Shield's new "baby." You'll remember how I told this idiot a long time ago that taking antidepressants is WRONG. And here's the proof. They've named the kid Grier Hammond Henchy. If that's not a sign of mental defect I don't know what is. What the hell is a Henchy? Is that what happens when somebody sucks on your neck for too long? HA! HA! Whatever it is, it makes you look like this. Like, GROSS.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/voila.html

Crappio

Thank you, blogger person, for writing about crappio. I could have told you that for energy, you need to increase your thetan level. Would you have listened? I doubt it.

In any case, for peace of mind and well-being, nothing beats sucking down a placenta. I've been doing some research on recipes and though I've found many, it seems placenta is best with steak sauce. If anybody has suggestions for side dishes, I'd certainly like to hear them. Contact my publicist.

Now a note on Diane Sawyer. Many of you -- ok, MOST of you -- saw this interview, but what you didn't see are the outtakes of her trying to STEAL MY BLACKBERRY. I mean here I am, sharing not only my valuable time (why else would I be there if I wasn't generous?) and important personal information about my very attractive Katie's tongue, and then the bitch tries to take my PDA! LOOK. Look, look, look how she grabs it so hard that the screen distorts and she leaves a huge gross thumbprint on it. What the hell? If this keeps happening, I won't give another interview and nobody will ever hear a thing about my baby, which will be born very very soon. That's the official word.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/activia-lethal-frappio-scary.html

something about cranberries

You've all seen the new Ulmer Scale and who's on top again? Who? WHO? You bet your ass it's me. Hoo-RAH! There's nothing I can't do, and disputing my power is a fruitless act (not unlike these cranberry things). An example: See how i can gently lull Katie into a quiet, safe place. Do you see Brad Pitt or Angel-O Jolly on this list? Hell no. They're complete FAKES. This PROVES it. I hear they're trying to have a baby. If they even think about having a baby in the near future I will send them to a QUIET, SAFE PLACE. (But, rumors have it that he's gay, so that's probably not possible anyway.)

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/cranberry-soft-chews.html

Baby baby baby

NO, the baby hasn't arrived yet. Quit asking.

What you've been hearing about me buying Katie a pacifier is NOT true. L. Ron says this about silent births, they "save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go."

So, in the interest of SANITY, I've had a custom-made MOUTHPIECE made for the girl. That way she can't make a sound. I'm not taking any chances. If that girl utters a peep during labor and makes my baby crazy I'm going to absolutely throw and fucking fit and have to start all over again with somebody else, mind you, not with some girl who has to open her mouth and risk making my progeny utterly and totally and completely insane, and this one better keep her mouth shut because there's no way in hell that I'd actually marry her after my important work on the realease of Mission Impossible III is done if she has and insane baby, no freaking way man.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2006/04/ben-jerrys-cone.html