New year's predictions (I was right!)

You all have been clamoring for my list of New Year's predictions, and I am more than happy to oblige. These predictions are, of course, based on the foremost scientific knowlege of our time. I'd go into details, but why bother with something you just wouldn't understand?

1. Many of you will see "Mission Impossible III" this summer and make it the film with the best opening of all time. A record that will stand for the ages.

2. A popular uprising in the UK in early 2006 will move Paris Hilton to the top of the just-released "most annoying" celebrities list.

3. A new video workout tape called "Jumping the Couch" based on the gym routine of a well-known celeb will sweep the nation and rid it of obese children and old people with weak hearts.

4. Many of the rescue workers from the 9-11 attacks will find themselves surprisingly clean and free of toxins while having regular bowel movements. Some of them, however, will unavoidably die.

5. I may or may not get married. It depends.

BONUS:
I will have a baby. It will be mine. I'm certainly not going to be carrying it around though. Katie has agreed to be the depository for my baby. The sex of my baby is known to ME. I have predicted the sex and I know what it is. That's all you need to know for now, because I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I am having a baby. But here is a clue. Thank you, by the way, for all the blue holiday gifts.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/12/pokey-os.html

Merry Holiday

Hello, and "happy holidays" to all of you people. I'm sorry I'm so late to address the following, but sometimes I tend to give more credit than what is due. It's the curse of being a nice guy. It's how I personally was raised. Now, on to my concern. I've received several "holiday" and "christmas" cards from some of you well-meaning (I surmise) people. But, if I've said it once I've said it a million times: THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC BASIS FOR THE HOLIDAYS OR THIS SO-CALLED CHRISTMAS. I know you don't know L. Ron like I do, but surely you could have figured this out on your own. These holidays are just a psycho-drama perpetuated by retailers, telephone companies and the media, except for feature-length film companies. So forgive the hell out of me, if I don't answer these greetings. If you MUST send something, please make it a check to the Katie Holmes Vomitorium, which furthers the cause of resolving stomach upset stemming from I don't know what. Have a nice end of December.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/12/zea-woodfire-grill.html

Blue.

As you all know by now, Katie and I have registered at Neiman's. MY FAVORITE COLOR IS BLUE. Katie doesn't have a favorite color. So make sure everything you buy is BLUE. It is very important that you follow these instructions, because I don't want to have to waste my time buying blue things. It IS my wedding afterall, and you need to get me what I want. Don't get crazy and start thinking you know better than me. And for god's sake don't buy anything pink. I'm sure you wish us all the best. Have fun shopping!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/12/hersheys-pb-kiss.html

Juice smoothies

So I know you are all tired from standing in line until midnight so you could get a DVD copy of my "War of the Worlds," which was released today. Thank you for being here, as expected. To those of you who were injured in the frenzy and didn't get a copy, call my pub and she'll send you out a coupon or something. Some things I'd like you to note about the DVD, however: I told Steven Spielberg NOT to include spanish and french subtitles, so don't blame me for that. I fought vigorously against them. Also, I asked that the two-disc collectors edition include some nudie shots of me, but that was also deemed a no go. So beware if you shell out the $40 for that piece of crap, it's not worth it. And lastly, my co-star Dakota Fanning was really, REALLY hot for me. But she just doesn't have that youthful glow that my Katie does. Sorry, babe. But points to you for trying.

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Hi No Fan, contact my publicist and she'll tell you whom it is you're supposed to contact. Please try not to bother me with too many questions. I know it's hard.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/jamba-juice-holiday-smoothies.html

Oprah - silly ho

I suppose by now you've seen how that whore Oprah is denying the true love between me and Emilio ... I mean Katie. Oprah is just mad that I wouldn't give it to her because she is SO FAT! She's a BLIMP! She couldn't jump and down on a couch, because it'd BREAK to smithereens! She should just give it up and stay home, just like my sweet child katie is. She should stay home and push out a baby and cook! I bet she can't cook! I bet she just sits around and eats LARD! HA!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/black-cherry-vanilla-coke.html

On family.

I'm sure you are all aghast that I've replaced my sister as my PR agent. But before anybody gets ill or tries to off themeless, I'd like to offer some comfort. I've determined that Lee Anne has stretched her mental capacity to the limit and is on the verge of some serious craziness. To save her, I've made the momentous decision to limit her work to my very generous charity contributions. Together, we will single-handedly save New Orleans, which I hear will soon be struck by a devastating hurricane. We will do this until I become bored beyond belief. Thank you for understanding. If any of you need further relief, I suggest you contact your local L. Ron Cruise foundation.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/starbucks-cream-liqueur.html

Pumpkin.

Sometimes Katie and I play, "What's hiding in the pumpkin patch," a little game we invented wherein I hide a small candy corn somewhere on my body and she has to find it with her tongue. I have a penchant for sticking it in the oddest places.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/10/pumpkin-limited-editions.html

Children.

i didn't know nordstrom used child slave labor to make their espresso. what an ingenious idea!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/11/nordstrom-ebar-bistro-n.html

Reese and his piece

I do believe my nuts inspired this posting, as is often the case.

Don't forget my mixed nuts!

It is quite obvious to me, as I am an expert in such matters, that you people need to come off your medications and chew on my super salty premium nuts instead.


All proceeds benefit the L. Ron. Hubbard Orphanage, which consists of a small group of alien children displaced by hurricane Katrina. Katie and I keep them in our basement in a protective womb of magnetic protoplasm.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/10/reeses-pieces-w-nuts.html

More on nuts.

While you obviously ignorant types will be eating NIP food at this terribly misspelled restaurant, rest assured that Katie and I WILL be spreading the truth about Scientology. And if you want nuts, I'LL SHOW YOU NUTS. KATIE LOVES MY NUTS! YOU SO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NUTS. I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT NUTS!

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Tom's Balls is a town just outside Houston, and so is Katy. Suck on that.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/10/cafe-japon.html

sonic ciabatta samwich?

Sorry I haven't been around. I've been so confused the past couple of days. Like, I found out I have something called "sperm." I suppose that's cause for celebration, but apparently it has disasterous effects. Does anybody have a Prozac I can take, and the number to a good plasic surgeo ... i mean abortionist?

I don't like tots either. Nobody should have them, and infants are even worse. It's a psychologically unsound practice.



http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/10/sonic-ciabatta-samwich.html

Swirly morels.

Oh my god! I have a lump that looks just like these morsels right on my crotch. No wonder katie is always telling me I taste so sweet!

Well, I call her Kate in the media, because my lawyers advise me to. Something about her real age, or other such legal mumbo jumbo. At home, when we're playing barbies and stuff, I call her Katie. It makes me giggle.

SHE LIKES TOMMY MORSELS AND KATY BITS!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/09/nestle-toll-house-swirled-morsels.html

Kit Kat

I keep my kit kats in a very secret place. Then I make katie try and find them. They almost fell out on the Oprah show.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/09/kit-kat-coffee.html

I rate.

I use a star system to rate my women. Let's compare nicole and my darling katie.

Nicole: unreviewable.

Katie:
Food: *
Atmosphere: *
Service: **********

Plus, we can wear the SAME CLOTHES! That really cinched the deal for me. But that bitch better never even think about touching my Scarlett O'Hara outfit.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/08/tgif.html

Katie's ass.

Paris' butt looks like some sort of cancer growth. My Katie has an ass made out of gold.

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You can't believe those rags. They actually indicated that i was married to somebody named ... well I forget her name. But it was never true. At home I like to call Katie "Toots" or "Hey, You."

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I may have erroneously implied that my child/girlfriend/whatever's ass is better than mine. Before the rumors begin FLYING, I'd like to say that's not true. I check my ass in the mirror, from all angles, four or five times a day and can say with confidence that it's the envy of every gay man in America. Hooah!

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You (whomever you are) don't know gay. I KNOW gay.

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Rob Thomas, however, is the aforementioned SO gay.

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Yeah? You come over here and I'll SHOW you gay, ok? What-ev-er.



http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/08/rosemary-olive-oil-triscuits.html

To ann's cafe?

I think I'll take my child bride here. Though I hope they open early, before her bedtime.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/08/anns-cafe.html

Glorias

Gloria's isn't all that. I mean, I go on tuesdays, which is gay night, and there's always all these homos around. Does. not. make. Tom. happy.

Plus, If you've ever been to Salvadoria, as I have, you'll know Gloria's is just watered-down tex-mex with some banana leaves thrown in.

Good for LaLa and Juan, but I don't eat out of pity and don't praise for novelty. I was born fairly middle-class but tugged on my Donald J Pliners and became a movie star - the greatest ever. It wasn't very hard.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/08/hermosa-bakery-pupuseria.html

Mint bar.

Lauren Bacall is a ho. Who has she to say anything about me? What has she done? Did she do Top Gun? NO. Did she do Risky Business? NO. I'd never date her. And don't think I couldn't.

Everything relates to me, ok? I challenge Ms. Bacall to see who looks better in a bra and panites, me or her. I bet I win.

Who can suck it up their nose better? ME.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/08/nestletoll-house-mint-ic-bar.html

Rugga? Who writes this shit?

SOMEBODY SAID THIS ABOUT ME:

With all respect to other famous commenters on this blog such as Donald Trump and Tom Cruise, I think it's more impressive to have a Papal visit.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/07/ruggeris-antique-ing-it.html

Green tea frap?

Anybody want to swing on my Johnson? I got a big ol' bratwurst here.

I've had mermaids. They're not all that.

Je pourrais vraiment employer quelques bébés chauds en ce moment!

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/07/green-tea-frappuccino.html

some waffle shit

I go crazy for waffles.

http://tgubbins.blogspot.com/2005/06/waffle-iron-caf-coffee-house.html

tantrum

Just because everybody is stupider than I am doesn't make it right.